Author: Wayne Rice

Let’s face it. It’s not easy to talk to teenagers. That’s why most conversations don’t last very long. But just becausecommunication between parents and teenagers lacks both quantity and quality, that isn’t necessarily a sign that anything is wrong. It’s normal for conversations to be one-sided, with the parents doing the most of the talking. But, with a little work on your part, learning the art of stealth communication will help you make the most of the times you connect with your kids.

“It was weird. Dad and I drove over to Aunt Betty’s to help her move. On the way home in the car, we just started talking. About all kinds of stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever talked with Dad like that in my whole life. I mean, I actually saw him as a regular person. It was kind of neat, but it was also kind of weird.”

To communicate successfully with a teenager is to be patient. Sometimes you will have surprisingly positive conversations with your kids, but they can’t be forced. They happen when they happen. Planning to have a conversation is fine, but you also have to accept that it may not turn out the way you planned.

For six years, I took my son Nathan out to breakfast once a week so that we could have marvelous conversations over our bacon and eggs. But I quickly learned that it takes two to tango. More often than not, we had short snippets of talk–not quite conversation, not very deep or interesting–but usually civil. Sometimes we just didn’t have much to say at all.

But just because good conversation doesn’t take place every time doesn’t mean you stop trying. I learned to be grateful for those few-and-far-between chances my kids gave me to share my heart with them or to listen intently to what was on theirs.

Stealth communication is trusting that even though communication with your teenager is often difficult, it does in fact happen. You can increase the odds of it happening by spending more time with your kids, talking in pleasant rather than preachy tones, accentuating the positive, avoiding cutting remarks, and using humor. Your efforts will pay eventual dividends.

The art of stealth communication is also the art of learning to communicate in the language your teenager understands best. That doesn’t mean you have to use the latest teen slang or become a stand-up comic. In fact, you may not have to speak at all.

Some parents communicate best with their kids by writing letters or notes to them. Most kids hear better with their eyes than with their ears. Some parents like to sneak notes into their teen’s school lunch, hide them in their sock drawer, or place one under their pillow. You can mail them or deliver them in person. If you prefer, text or e-mail, although I prefer good old paper and ink. If writing is difficult for you, try putting messages on audio or video.

Perhaps you enjoy writing poems or songs. I know several parents who communicate best with their kids by composing poetry. You can communicate with drawings, photographs, cartoons, jokes, and stories. And they don’t have to be original with you. If you hear a song on the radio that expresses how you feel, a story that touches your heart, or a joke that makes you laugh, just share it with your kids. It’s not surprising that kids often treasure these kinds of communications and keep them for years.

Every young person has his or her own unique way of responding to what they hear, see, and experience. Some are visual learners, while others are auditory. Some are feelers; others are thinkers. As parents, we need to understand and appreciate the language our kids speak best and then find a voice to match it. Too often, we tend to communicate primarily in our own language—what is most comfortable to us—rather than theirs. Use a variety of communication styles with your kids. Trial and error, experimentation, and persistence will lead you to some truly inspired moments when you will connect and come through loud and clear.